the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
