I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
