my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
