Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
