but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
