I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
