fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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