i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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