every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
How many fucks given?
0.12846
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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