I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
