I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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