how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
