So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
