my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
