My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
