I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
