my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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