im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
