Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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