About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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