Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
