Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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