MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
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