wrigley field is MILF paradise
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
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