you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
