Will you blow on my dice?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
