Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
