The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm getting married
To pizza
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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