can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Randomize
