I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I fill condoms, not promises.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
