I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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