I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
