Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
