U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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