Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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