I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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