I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
