This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Randomize
