Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
