i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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