Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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