I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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