Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
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He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
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When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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