I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
