I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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