my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
