god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
