my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
