he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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