Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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