I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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