Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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