Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
