i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
