you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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