I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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